I’m sure some may think I’m crazy, but I love cleaning the house and getting it ready for Christmas. It’s one of the few times I take pleasure in cleaning. Mostly at other times I do it from a sense of duty or necessity. I may appreciate the end result, but it doesn’t give me the pleasure that cleaning for Christmas does.
I had cause to think of this today as I did several loads of washing, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned, scrubbed, folded, ironed and baked for most of the day – and enjoyed the process as well as the results. No, it’s not in preparation for Christmas (although did you know it’s just 3 months till Christmas Eve??), but so that I am mentally ready for the coming week. I guess it’s just the way my brain is wired – a clean house means I’m ready for anything.
It’s been a few weeks since I last posted. There have been a few reasons for the delay – partly just life and busyness, and partly because I’ve needed some processing time. There is a tension between wanting to be open and authentic, and recognising that my introvert nature sometimes needs thinking time before writing or sharing publically.
So, a quick update on the facts. As posted in earlier blogs, I have a lesion on my tongue that’s been causing concern. I’ve recently seen a second specialist, and they suspect it’s a “squamous cell carcinoma”, although they won’t know for sure until they’ve removed it and sent it to pathology. There’s been some good news – it’s relatively small. It doesn’t look aggressive. And more really good news this week following a cat scan of my chest/neck/head – it hasn’t spread, so we’re only dealing with the growth on my tongue. So after a couple of weeks of appointments and tests (don’t get me started on the nose scope!!), I have surgery scheduled for this coming Monday to have the lesion cut out.
The last month has been a roller-coaster ride. I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life – my family, my friends, my church. I’ve had so much love and support and prayer.
I’ve rediscovered that it’s possible for fear and faith, strength and weakness, tears and trust to co-exist simultaneously.
I choose faith. I choose God. I choose trust. I have experienced God’s love and grace over and over and over again, in the past and in the present, and have no reason to choose anything else. Where would I go? What other choice is there? But honestly? Sometimes it’s my head deciding and setting my feet on a path of faith, and my emotions have been a little reluctant to follow.
There have been days when I have felt great; a couple of days when I have felt so fragile that I just want to cry all day, and many days inbetween or a mixture of both.
I was walking one morning and praying, in the week between having the top half of my body scanned and receiving the results. I realised as I was praying that God doesn’t need to wait for the scan results, he knows exactly what’s happening in my body. But more importantly, as I continued to ponder, I realised that God also sees into my heart. He sees exactly how I’m feeling. He loves me.
God is big enough for my fear.
God is big enough for my weakness.
God is big enough for my tears.
I’ve learnt again that it is not a sign of strength to deny how I feel. God is my strength, and I can take how I feel and honestly bring it to Him , lean into His loving arms and trust Him not only with my situation, but with my heart.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”